How to Write a Crappy Essay

Trick #1 Trick #2 Trick #3 NEVER REVISE. Pick Your Words Poorly. Give It Horrible Structure. How to Write a Really Crappy Essay While my students teach me new ways each year, I have become something of an authority after over a decade of reading hundreds annually. Go ahead... Ask me how many paragraphs you want it to be. Nothing says how little you care like trying to find out the minimum amount of work before you pick up your pen. The question alone almost assures me that your essay will suck. It shows that you are not trying to answer the question, but calculating how soon you can put your pen down. I am happy to strike a deal. You write as little as you can, and I will reward you with the minimum score. When I do suggest a structure, be strong; resist. What do I know? I am your teacher, the one that probably wrote the assignment, the one that will grade the assignment. Revert to five paragraph structure whenever possible.
This is the type of essay that you learned in fourth grade. Why change and learn something new? Writing an essay like a fourth grader or sixth grader is a great way to produce sucky work. Be sure to write an introduction that is devoid of content.
Try to be interesting without being informative. Nothing is more interesting than listening to people say nothing.
Ask me a meaningless rhetorical question.
Say super obvious statements like "Everybody has a mother."
Speak in broad, sweeping, inaccurate statements about life "nowadays" or "back in the day." I am an English teacher.

Show how limited you think my mathematical capabilities are by counting off your body paragraphs for me.
"First..."
"Second..."
"Third..."
Otherwise, I might not have noticed that this is a five paragraph essay and that you are talking to me like a fourth grader. If all else fails, just write a single paragraph.
I am sure it will suck horribly; however, I will never be sure. I will simply give you the lowest possible grade and move on with my life without