Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways. We evaluate -- we either agree or disagree; we probe -- we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise -- we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret -- we try to figure people out, to explain their motives, their behavior, based on our own motives and behavior. These responses come naturally to us. We are deeply scripted in them; we live around models of them all the time. But how do they affect our ability to really understand? If I'm trying to communicate with my son, can he feel free to open himself up to me when I evaluate everything he says before he really explains it? Am I giving him psychological air? And how does he feel when I probe? Probing is playing 20 questions. It's autobiographical, it controls, and it invades. It's also logical, and the language of logic is different from the language of THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart sentiment and emotion. You can play 20 questions all day and not find out what's important to someone. Constant probing is one of the main reasons parents do not get close to their children. "How's it going, son?"
"Well, what's been happening lately?"
"So what's exciting at school?"
"And what are your plans for the weekend?"
"I don't know."
You can't get him off the phone talking with his friends, but all he gives you is one- and two-word answers. Your house is a motel where he eats and sleeps, but he never shares, never opens up. And when you think about it, honestly, why should he, if every time he does open up his soft underbelly, you elephant stomp it with autobiographical advice and "I told you so's." We are so deeply scripted in these responses that we don't even realize when we use them. I have taught this concept to thousands of people in seminars across the country, and it never fails to shock them deeply as we role-play empathic listening situations and they finally begin to listen to their own typical responses. But as they begin to see how they normally respond and learn how to listen with empathy, they can see the dramatic results in communication. To many, seek first to understand becomes the most exciting, the most immediately applicable, of all the Seven Habits. Let's take a look at what well might be a typical communication between a father and his teenage son. Look at the father's words in terms of the four different responses we have just described. "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"
"What's the matter, Son?" (probing).
"It's totally impractical. I don't get a thing out of it."
"Well, you just can't see the benefits yet, Son. I felt the same way when I was your age." I remember thinking what a waste some of the classes were. But those classes turned out to be the most helpful to me later on. Just hang in there. Give it some time" (advising). "I've given it 10 years of my life! Can you tell me what good 'x plus y' is going to be to me as an auto mechanic?"
"An auto mechanic? You've got to be kidding" (evaluating).
"No, I'm not. Look at Joe. He's quit school. He's working on cars. And he's making lots of money. Now that's practical."
"It may look that way now. But several years down the road, Joe's going to wish he'd stayed in school. You don't want to be an auto mechanic. You need an education to prepare you for something better than that" (advising).
"I don't know. Joe's got a pretty good set-up."
"Look, Son, have you really tried?" (probing, evaluating).
"I've been in high school two years now. Sure I've tried. It's just a waste." "That's a highly respected school, Son. Give them a little credit" (advising, evaluating). "Well, the other guys feel the same way I do."
"Do you realize how many sacrifices your mother and I have made to get you to where you are? You can't quit when you've come this far" (evaluating).
"I know you've...