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Try the experiment of communicating some experience to another person and you will find your own attitude towards your experience changing. – John Dewey
The Confident Communicator We will call our hypothetical Confident Communicator Carl. The key to being confident when you have to communicate with your spouse about an Internal Issue, is first to have defined your Core Values. A Confident Communicator such as Carl has most assuredly taken the time and effort to define his Core Values. He understands–or, through a process, has come to understand–who he is as a person. Moreover, if you were to ask Carl who he is as a person, he would be able to give you a concrete, verifiable, unchanging definition of himself and of his Core Values. A Confident Communicator will place boundaries around any given conversation and is therefore able to minimize or eliminate the chances of an emotionally bad outcome for himself in the communication. A Confident Communicator measures a conversation about an Internal Issue against his self-definition and can ensure that he won’t lose emotionally.
As a result, he is able to NOTICE situations, interactions, and, yes, communications with his partner that are–or that could be or that are becoming–incompatible or inconsistent with his Core Values. Using his self-definition as a benchmark in this way offers Carl a source of emotional protection in the conversation. The Fearful Communicator A Fearful Communicator is the opposite of a Confident Communicator. Let’s name our hypothetical Fearful Communicator Faye.
As a Fearful Communicator, Faye fears an emotional loss when communicating with her spouse about Internal Issues. Faye will narrowly focus on what effect a particular conversation will or might or could have on her emotionally. Faye will set her expectations regarding a conversation about an Internal Issue solely in terms of how much of herself she will,...