I am a force to be reckoned with. Every morning I wake up at 2 AM, pick the lock of every dorm room in my hallway, and kiss each student goodnight without his knowledge. Two years ago I singlehandedly built an energy efficient hydrogen engine, but accepted a two million dollar bribe from OPEC to destroy it, keeping the blueprints hidden under my mattress. I go to church every Sunday.
I received a perfect score on my SATs, but took them again and intentionally scored slightly below 2000. One time I accidentally shot a squirrel between the eyes with an air soft gun and killed it; I quickly fashioned a defibrillator out of two sticks and my LIVESTRONG Bracelet to revive it, then kept it as a pet named Sparky. In hockey I naturally shoot righty, but at age seven I became bored of my tremendous talent and switched to lefty to make the game fairer for my opposition. I have helped five friends write their college essays.
I am the CEO of both Coca Cola and Pepsi Cola, yet no one questions my common absence from each respective headquarters because of my intimidating presence. I sing backup for James Blunt, and he has been quoted as saying I have more talent than he. The Karate Kid films are based on my exploits; I wrote the scripts for all these pictures too, toning down the excessive violence because the studio wanted them to appeal to a PG audience (the real stories are gruesome). My family comes first with no exceptions.
Technically Barrack Obama is the President of the United Stateus, but I make his decisions for him. Once I recorded a song called “Blue Eyed Girl”, but failed to copyright it, leading Van Morrison to alter the lyrics and make millions. Occasionally if I’m bored I’ll walk into a bank in the middle of the day, break into the main safe with only one attempt at the combination, steal...