Blank Sheet

I used to love drawing when I was a kid. I would always scribble and scribble until I get the image that I want. I could also remember that whenever I make a mistake (like a wrong stroke for example) I’d immediately tear the page and start all over again. It was never hard for me to do that. I don’t mind repeating and repeating until my hands hurt from trying—-but that was when I was still a kid…it’s different now. Really different.

Now that I’m older, its sort of hard to just crumple my paper when I make mistakes. I think about my efforts being thrown in the trash, I think about the time I’ve spent creating my drawing, I think about lots of “What if’s” questions. “What if I won’t be able to do the same drawing again?” “What if I just try to erase or cover up my mistake and proceed with the drawing?” “What if, by trying to fix it I end up ruining it or worsening its condition?” Things like these bother me.

It’s kinda funny because when I try to think about this change, I realize that it’s not just about my drawings anymore. It’s a bit more about me already. When I was a kid, it was never difficult for me to start again and continue with what I am doing. It was never a problem to me whether I wouldn’t be able to make the same drawing again, or my efforts will just go down the drain. I didn’t have problems starting all over.

Now, I look like an idiot doing all sorts of weird things like cutting a paper with the same color to patch the wrong stroke or try erasing and erasing until the eraser I’m using gets really small without even doing a slight change. Now that I am old, I am SCARED. Yes, its the only reason that I could ever think of—-“I really am scared.”

I’m scared of getting a new blank sheet of paper because I’m afraid of committing mistakes. I’m afraid of beginning a new drawing because I’m afraid that the one I threw would be more beautiful. I’m afraid of taking the risk of scribbling because I don’t know where and how to start. I am scared... [continues]

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