Abigails Conscience: the Crucible Monologue

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Abigail's Conscience

I can't believe all of this has happened. I feel so guilty, but I don't really care, I know I'm more important than any of those old people. Besides, John Proctor deserved it! How dare he use me just because he was lonely and having marital problems! I had all the rights to destroy his marriage. However, I can't help but feeling awful when I think about those two boys that have no father anymore. Its all my fault! I started this nonsense of witchcraft just because I was scared after our little game in the forest! And now hundredths of persons have died! How can I be so self centered! I always new I had no self control but I never thought it would get me to this point. Many families are now incomplete thanks to me, farms and animals have died because of me, children no longer have a home to come to and workers like Tituba are going insane all because of me! How could I let this happen? How can I sit here and watch all this suffering happen in front of me and stay quiet?

All of this is nothing compared to my grief, My beloved John Proctor is dead! How can I possibly survive without seeing his face again? Knowing I could have stopped him from being hanged, kills me inside... Now I have to think about his wife every day as a reminder of what I did, but how can I blame her for hating me? I have been a terrible person in the last months! God forbid her from staying in jail! Those children! They are almost orphans now and I could have done something about it! John and I could have raised them together if it wasn't for Elizabeth! I accused her just so Mr. Proctor would finally be free! And now I have nothing, nothing to live for. Without him, theres no point for me to keep doing any of this things. Nobody really cares about me. Im empty.

What have I done with myself? How come I don't have any self respect for myself anymore? I have to work as a prostitute in Boston, away from home, from my family, from all the ones who know me, to be with...
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